hardest thing ever

to much for my happy ending

It's hard to deny the pain that covers me every night while I go to sleep
woking up to put makeup to hide it
paint to express it
laugh to not cry
seconds comes throw my eyes like days
& words repeat them self as they were a song
funny
when beautiful things that u have felt makes you the saddest ever
in fact
they cant make me swallow the food
sometimes it makes me num
& not aware to whats around me
It's hard to forget
or to forget the feeling
& it's even harder to replace the feeling
cuz I know deep down it's wrong
and somehow it's also hurting someone else
life isnt easy
and mine till now is full with pain
it's like I have this glass full of pain and nothing else to drink
and I drink from it between a while & then
I remember being happy at some point
when I shut that door & throw that key in the sea
but yet happiness wasn't made for me
"it's weird , he didn't want me to be happy ether with him or with out him & he made every single thing to make miserable for the rest of my fucking miserable life & when I was happy just knocked me till I dropped "
I know deep down that i'm not in the right road , yet I don't now what is my right road anyway .
I always keep asking my self , where did I went wrong , what were my mistakes , blaming my self all the time & knowing that I deserve it cuz I always take the wrong decision to end up with the unhappy ending .

killing me

it's killing me
talking away each breath
I can feel the pain in every part of my heart extended to my body
I hate it
I hate what Im doing to my self
I hate this acting
I hate This
I hate deny that Im living in
I hate the no where that Im going to
I hate that Im .... .. .... .... ...
& I really do hate you
from the bottom of my heart
I do

someone worth it

Today he surprised me
the third day after deleting him from BBM
he is here suddenly somehow
grabbing me from my hair & pushing me toward him
his lips on mine
I caught the bottom lip by my teeth
warning him to don't do it
he didn't care & kept pulling my hair in a thought that I will surround
unknowing the woman I am
he thought that I will be from those girls who get horny & so
he tried every thing possible
not even a kiss one time back
its ether fighting back or giving him nothing
he never thought I can be that strong
it happens that this made him more determine on getting me back
& more sure that Im not in love with
also that Im laying at him with the causes
tired , exhausted from fighting back
worst feeling that this fighting is in fact for no one , neither me or someone else
someone or something worth it

kissing U

I cant feel desire to kiss someone else
I cant feel passion
I cant feel that wanting in smashing someone else lips
I dont want too
& I dont feel like
each time I remember how much I loved ur lips
& how much they were the only thing I need sometimes
it breaks every single part in me .... & my soul slowly dies
& it's a fairy tale
all lives in my mind

sinking in work

yesturday while I was so busy in work & very drown to it suddenly!!
Bomb
my ex in the face loooooooooooooool
okaaaaaaaaaaaaay
it has been about two years @_@
he is in shock !! I am in shock too ldrjat I didnt move my head or my eyes o as I never saw him o went out to the main reception & came back after 10 min to find him sitting with the crowed & his eyes on me !! I really really didnt know what to do ! look back ! smile? ignore !!
hahahaha I just ignored him totally as he is no one or he is visiable
OMG how could I ignore someone I was in love with him for a while & had a really good time with him TOTALLY while he was infront of me !!
loool ! Amazing how u can be cold about someone u was crazy about!
Ahmed didnt get a big part of my heart but I dont deny that I loved being with him for sometime befor I dumped him !
& yaa It's funny
funny how life is not fair :)

nightmares

Nightmares r back

steps

It's morning
I miss me allot
I miss how I used to love
I miss how I used to live
It's like I cant control my self anymore
& nothing left except to ruin the pure in me
I hate being someone I didn't want to be
I hate it all !!
why do I keep hurting ppl loves me !!
& why I cant love anyone anymore
I cant produce love
I feel I'm living with out a soul
It's like my soul left me </3
& I know I need help but I refuse to take it
acting im ok & nothing wrong is the best
& I haaate it !! when they just ask .....

Christina Aguilera - You Lost Me

I dont want us to be "frndz"

something wrong with me

my feelings r very confused 

I donno what I'm feeling 

but I know I want to be alone

im trying my best to run away in the easiest way 

breaking his heart wasnt my goal

running a way is so not me 

</3

I dont want to be there 

may he rest in peace

it breaks my heart a 1000 that he left
it feels like fire in my chest
I wish it is me not him
he is a son , husband , brother , father , grandfather & a friend
the lost is huge
more than my mind can handle
I cant belive it yet , how can they
I cant hundle it or control my tears how can they
I never wished someone to be my father as much as him </3
he was a perfect man allah yr7mah
like no one I knew & I dont think there is a man like him
I really cant discribe their lost
nothing in this world describe their pain
nothing can make them feel better
nothing I can do to make it easier
it's hard like .....
two days ago I was talking to she5a & he was playing with her
kissing and jaggling her
today he is t7t alrml fi 8brah
ams he was sleeping in his bed
today he is there , where there is no one , in that place
ya allah t5ff 3 shwie5 o ahlha ya rb </3
I cant stop crying or thinking
being very close to her makes me feel some of the pain that shes having
& It makes me think if im feeling so shes 1000 time worse
I loved him as my father just by being his daughter friend
aaaah ya 8lbiiiii
ya rb 9brhm ya rb 9brhm ya rb 9brhm
ya rb shl 3lehm o ajbr 8lobhm 3 fra8h ya rb
I swear to god I have never wished to be dead this much ala that day 1/6/2009
11/11/2010 </3
yaa rb laish ta5th always good ppl & leave us in this world full of bad ppl
I just wish if I was dreaming O i wake up o find it was a nightmare
ya rb ajbr b5aa6rhm ya ar7m alra7meen

beyond the forever

studying math
asm3 *mrat sanna*
he is sleeping in my arms 3 al56
FB
lap on my lap
1000 on my mind
& still one thing is taking over every other thing </3
something strange in *mrat sanna* steals me from my world
to my fairytale
my happy ending for my fairytale is unhappy
but happy
he says "weldna" is sh-hab
& something snapped my heart like hell
Strange that the one person I didn't even imagine having a child from !! I even hated the idea ! ......
stuff always comes up in my face makes me think , how this life works more over how funny it is
I'm not sure how long this will go on
but if I wasted a year on someone didn't deserve a min from me , I think he deserves that I spend a life time with him , he says forever <3 I say beyond it

the one

his eyes
his lips
his smile
his look
drive me crazy
& the only reaction I have to do is to laugh
he is classy & trashy
he treats me like his lady & the only one he have in this world
& I adore it
he knows that he is the only guy in my laugh , but yet he feels jealous  even from my cat
he knows I wont cheat on him & I wont no matter what happen
but he hates that there is others wanted or wants me
he is every thing I wanted in a man although I know he is not the one
I dont know how I know he is not the one !
he loves me , want me , more than anything in his life
I love him , in a matter of fact I adore him
but he is not the one
& he is doing every thing to be the one
I want him to be the one
but I just know it
he is perfect
we r sm o 3sl
but this time Im the Sm & he is al3sl
each time I close my eyes , I can see him <3 & thats what really matters now

U were my every thing

U were my every thing

be with me ~

yesterday , I told him the world he wanted me to say
It wasn't hard on me , it was easy  maybe because I was sleeping
he was happy
I was happy because he was happy
he is in my blood now
I cant sleep , talk , eat
do anything , unless he is with me
everything I feel I can tell him
he is everything to me
he is jealous even from my best friend , cuz she spend allot of time with me
a7bah
I want him
only him
& I want him forever ~ to be with me <3

officially urs

I'm officially his <3
the way he's around me , is what I want
the way he take care of me , is what I need
the way that he knows what I need & do more than I need , kills me , makes me all his
strange how u can mean the world to someone , who just knew u
but it's like he knew u forever
the way he says my name , sound different
the way he wants me in every moment in his life is unbelievable
how much he is concern about what he is in my life , makes me think , allot
all that he knows very well , that I don't yet have a feeling for him
he is more than I want or what I dreamed about
& he is 1000 better than what I had
why would I make him suffer ! why I'm holding my self from him
why am I being over protective
I know my wound .. I know Im still in pain .. I know why I cant just let my self go with him
I cant be "his" while something in me belong to someone else
I wish I can give it to him & live my life , but it just hurts me
to carry this from the only person I really truly hate , from all my heart , all my brain
the one person in this world , that I loved the most & hate the most ;)
waiting for this thing to leave me then I'm all ur's , I'm just afraid that it's sticking with me
then I will have to tell u & make u choose <3

my mistake

hate& love

I love how much I hate this part from him in me , It's like my heart have reached a new level in hatness  , just like him .

I wanna burn my self or jump from a top of building to kill it , destroy it .

with each pain it cause to me , I wanna deny it

but It's true

& I love , love love love , that he dont care , which I already know , but it makes me stronger & hate that thing in me , hate it that I want to burn it , burn me , I dont want it to breath , to see , to feel , It's a demon from a demon 

& I will kill it , when I stop loving "it" 

one person came to my mind

more is not available

reminds me of me a while ago , when I wanted more & it wasn't available </3
It's very clear now , that feeling , to be with someone you don't love & this someone is offering you every thing u need , yet u cant be totally with him simply ur not in love with him . aldnyia dwara , but tdor in the wrong way , I didnt want someone to do for me what I did for someone in the past , I only wanted someone new that I can love like I used in the past & loves me back :) I just hope to get the "kiss me" part 3 5air , never realize that he never asked me to kiss him at all untill this guy shocked me with the kiss me sentence looool & here I throw the bomb that this will never happen neither on phone or real life !! hahaha yaay noora how sweet to push back ur new bf !! wallah I cant understand my self any more how will he , 5air inshalla </3

another man woman

It hurts like nothing to be an another man woman

Hearing someone else calls me babe, my love , '3nati

Makes me shaver

Sleeping in his arms , waking up in his arms , kissing me always

But I never kissed back

I deserve this pain , belonging to someone else will teach me my lesson

At least I won’t regret H as Him

</3

لوعة غيابكـ ٬

الليـ كسـر خاطريـ منـ لوعة غيابكـ
لا قلتـ باخونكـ
الذكرى تقولـ إستحـ
</3

losing my self in the crowed

I know I'm losing my self in the crowed
bu I just dont care
something pushing me further
allowing me to try lots things all in time
It's not me any more
I'm one like them now
lost that thing
& I deserve it
I gain it
I believe that I brought it to my self
so bring it harder babe ;)

funny

very funny when I counted my past
I used to have one heart
broke it
then it became two pieces
each piece loved someone
then some how
it came back together to love one of them only
fought till after the end
fought even after i died
in the end , it's not that one piece any more
not even two pieces
much more
& each piece like someone different
 thats how u lose ur self
& donno what u really like , love or want
thats how I change , to be someone else , someone I used to be in the worst time of my life
but this time at least I know what I'm doing , I don't feel the guilt & I won't regret it ;)

if I died

all I wanted

all I wanted was a man
to belong to
as a brother , father or a lover
a scent that I can hold on when my tears comes out
when the fear shaver my coldness
when my heart bumb like a rabbit
when the night is long & the cold is hard
when no one is there he will be there
someone I can hold on with
I can cry out in his arms
I can feel the safe again , once more
I can sleep in his arms
I can trust him on everything including me
thats all I wanted
a man scent ... </3

here we go

new start inshallah
& here we go