hardest thing ever

to much for my happy ending

It's hard to deny the pain that covers me every night while I go to sleep
woking up to put makeup to hide it
paint to express it
laugh to not cry
seconds comes throw my eyes like days
& words repeat them self as they were a song
funny
when beautiful things that u have felt makes you the saddest ever
in fact
they cant make me swallow the food
sometimes it makes me num
& not aware to whats around me
It's hard to forget
or to forget the feeling
& it's even harder to replace the feeling
cuz I know deep down it's wrong
and somehow it's also hurting someone else
life isnt easy
and mine till now is full with pain
it's like I have this glass full of pain and nothing else to drink
and I drink from it between a while & then
I remember being happy at some point
when I shut that door & throw that key in the sea
but yet happiness wasn't made for me
"it's weird , he didn't want me to be happy ether with him or with out him & he made every single thing to make miserable for the rest of my fucking miserable life & when I was happy just knocked me till I dropped "
I know deep down that i'm not in the right road , yet I don't now what is my right road anyway .
I always keep asking my self , where did I went wrong , what were my mistakes , blaming my self all the time & knowing that I deserve it cuz I always take the wrong decision to end up with the unhappy ending .

killing me

it's killing me
talking away each breath
I can feel the pain in every part of my heart extended to my body
I hate it
I hate what Im doing to my self
I hate this acting
I hate This
I hate deny that Im living in
I hate the no where that Im going to
I hate that Im .... .. .... .... ...
& I really do hate you
from the bottom of my heart
I do

someone worth it

Today he surprised me
the third day after deleting him from BBM
he is here suddenly somehow
grabbing me from my hair & pushing me toward him
his lips on mine
I caught the bottom lip by my teeth
warning him to don't do it
he didn't care & kept pulling my hair in a thought that I will surround
unknowing the woman I am
he thought that I will be from those girls who get horny & so
he tried every thing possible
not even a kiss one time back
its ether fighting back or giving him nothing
he never thought I can be that strong
it happens that this made him more determine on getting me back
& more sure that Im not in love with
also that Im laying at him with the causes
tired , exhausted from fighting back
worst feeling that this fighting is in fact for no one , neither me or someone else
someone or something worth it

kissing U

I cant feel desire to kiss someone else
I cant feel passion
I cant feel that wanting in smashing someone else lips
I dont want too
& I dont feel like
each time I remember how much I loved ur lips
& how much they were the only thing I need sometimes
it breaks every single part in me .... & my soul slowly dies
& it's a fairy tale
all lives in my mind